IPHONE EX: 7 REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR DUMB PHONE
Happy Birthday! Let's break up.
Well this is awkward... Have you ever broken up with someone on their birthday? Me neither, but I highly recommend giving it a try. No, no, not with an actual person. That would just be cruel. I'm talking about an inanimate object.
The iPhone turns 10 this year! Have you heard? While Apple celebrates with a phone that costs $1,000 I think it's an excellent opportunity to have a long, overdue chat with your smartphone: It's over. It's not you it's me. Well, actually, it's you. What's that? You want to talk about our issues. That's a great idea.
You lie. You promised to connect me to the world and the people in it that I love, but when I spend time with you, I mostly feel more disconnected and dissatisfied with my life.
You're controlling. You come with me EVERYWHERE. You are always demanding my attention. Text messages, random notifications, pictures of everything, unending distractions. Even when I'm not actively using you I feel your presence in my pocket, begging to distract me from getting meaningful work done or having an uninterrupted conversation or thought. Let's be honest, you even follow me into the bathroom. It's creepy. It needs to stop. I need some personal space. I mean, if you're with me on the toilet, when can I have time to reflect on my life or have an original thought? I'm beginning to forget who I am. My only escape for years has been the shower, but now you're waterproof...
You ruin friendships. I don't even talk to my friends anymore. We just text or chat with short thoughts that are often misunderstood. You're supposed to connect me with people, and you're doing the opposite. When I do, for once, actually sit down with a friend face to face, you're constantly interrupting. Even if I resist the urge to answer the call or glance at the message or notification, I hear you ring or feel you buzz and I'm distracted. I'm wondering who is contacting me, and about what. Wait... what was my real friend, in flesh and blood across the table in the middle of saying again? I got distracted...
You waste my time. Yes, you are convenient. Too convenient. I don't need to check my email 60 times a day. Twice is probably enough. I actually have real goals and life ambitions. Time is a precious resource. You, with your facebook and instagram and snapchat and unending apps keep sucking too much of it. I want that time back.
You're distracting. When I'm at my son's soccer game, I actually want to watch my son play soccer. Maybe even physically talk with some other humans while watching. When I'm on a hike with my family in the woods, I want to actually be present in the moment. What's that email? My company lost a big sale? Awesome. There's nothing I can do about it right now in the middle of the woods, but now I'm pissed and distracted and will have a bad attitude for the rest of the hike. Thank God I can check email out here in the middle of nowhere!
You're a bad influence. The kids are watching. When we're together, we're not setting a very good example. I spend way too much time staring at you. Guess what? The kids are constantly begging to use the iPad, to borrow my phone and saying "I can't wait until I have my own phone". Shoot me. I dread the day. My kids are like zombies when they're using an iPad or iPhone. It's the closest picture I can get of what we must look like together, since I can't look in the mirror and stare at you at the same time.
The sex is bad. You don't belong in the bedroom and it's time I kicked you out. Either I'm checking email, or my wife's checking facebook. Either way, we're not focused on each other. My wife is naked 5 feet away from me and I'm checking the score of the game. Seems like a missed opportunity. You're ruining my sex life.
I could go on, but I don't want to make this any harder than it has to be. Here's the deal. We can still be friends, but we need to limit the time we spend together and set some boundaries. We can talk on the phone. We can send occasional text messages, but I'm done taking you with me everywhere. When I'm home I'm going to leave you on the counter. Maybe I'll check in on you every hour or so, but that's it. When I'm out with a friend or my family I want to focus on them, not you. So, you're staying in the car. The bathroom is off limits. I need some alone time and, it's just gross. Finally, let's keep it platonic. You're not allowed in the bedroom. My bedroom is for 2 things and 2 things only. Sleep and sex. I'd like a little more of both.